i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
Randomize
