I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
Will you trust fall hold me, so I can pee of this building.
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
when i woke up with rugburns on the tops of my feet, knees, and chin i was a little confused. and then i remembered i had sex with him in his friends walk in closet.
Randomize
