Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
So recap time do u remember biting that girls hand?
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
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