I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
Randomize
