I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
is not sure whether or not everyone at the club last night calling me a-easy is a good thing?
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Randomize
