Boner jamz table deep. plus bar deep. wiing waing.
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
Randomize
