i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
So I just went to student health services and on my way in there was a girl outside on her phone saying "I just dont want you to be angry" and on my way out she was saying "I have the side effects sheet right here" Someone started the semester off classy
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
Just found out my 21st birthday is on a Wednesday. The possibilities are cheap, as well as endless.
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
