My Higher Power is John Stamos
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
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