I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
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