Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
Randomize
