I have before 2 am pics and after 2am pics, which do you want to see first?
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
Randomize
