I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
will emailing you the 64 kama sutra positions I want to try during the 3 days your here turn you on or terrify you?
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
That boy needs some memories to take back home with him
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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