He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
Woke up with a bed full of sand...care to explain?
Isnt is self explanatory?
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
Randomize
