i wish i could watch tv and lissten to music at the same time...but still understand both
i think otters can do that
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
whats a positive sounding word for "exploit"?
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
Good news. His dicks gotten wayy bigger since high school. I love Thanksgiving break.
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
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