Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
Best friends brother. Beat that.
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
Same encounter she body slammed me to the floor and than humped me
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
Randomize
