Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Randomize
