wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
so after morning sex, she rolled a joint and turned on sports center
you might have found the rare bro goddess. i thought they were myth
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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