my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
