I totally understand Scottish logic. No underwear+skirt=great
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Randomize
