party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
Funny thing- my attraction to each one is inversely proportional to his level of availability.
we're talking about where were going. or where we stand. but yeah we'll basically be doing it in the hallway so just ignore us
i walked into the party and i guess everyone knew because they began to chant "ass to mouth"
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
Randomize
