i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
