we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Most people that see those numbers aren't going to realize what they mean and those that do will think 'oh those must be her favorite hockey players' and not 'oh she wants to see those hockey players fuck each other'.
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
Randomize
