you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
One person in the car. Three blizzards. Alot of judging.
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
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