dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
Do you remember last night at all? Be honest
I need to look at the pictures on my camera to fill in the gaps.
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
he wrote Vegans should suck on cow dick on her wall with permanent marker. thats how he got the black eye
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
cat food counts as protein by the way
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
There should be an open time period where you show each other your goods and it's totally socially acceptable to bail.
I wholeheartedly concur
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
Randomize
