I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
Update. It gets worse. A) he's done viagra and B) he wears socks at all times.
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
It's not a good hook up if during you're thinking "how will this damage me psychologically"
You pretty much isn't said it
Those words don't go together.
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
Randomize
