My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
While she was pissing on the neighbors shrubs, they threatened to call the cops...she mumbled 'don't threaten me with a good time", so to answer your question, yes she was drunk.
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
Randomize
