My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
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