I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
not sure what to think.... picked her up and her dad says "if you take her home, you'll regret it"
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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