A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
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