The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
Randomize
