somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
she's sitting on the other side of the room at this party. with her smirnoff tucked in that little opening between her cleavage and shirt. drinking from a straw. snapping her fingers off beat.
it's love
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
there are LEGIT cum stains on my ceilling. ON THE CEILLING!! you tell me how the relationship was.
Randomize
