Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
I'm more of a 'talk at me while I stare at you' kinda girl.
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
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