you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
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