my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
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