How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
I just want him to hold me after a bad midterm. Is that even too much to ask for after sleeping with him twice?
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
Randomize
