you have to choose: penises or morals?
Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
I don't believe u have enough text space to describe the dimensions of his penis.
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
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