Joe is yelling at the trees again.
and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
It was crazy man, at one point after already going 3 rounds I tried to breakaway for a smoke...she yanked me by the nipple hair back on top of her.
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
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