i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
