just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
also, am i correct in guessing that advertising the size of my hypothetical penis is a turnoff to him?
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
Randomize
