How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
So we fuck and I say, "I'm about to go." He tells me, "No, leave at ten.. just lay here for a little while." When I ask, "Why?!" He gets his feelings hurt and says, "ugh. or don't." Since when did guys start acting like girls?
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
I respect your roll as DD and there're am required to respect your vehicle
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
Randomize
