Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
lets talk about you, dubstep, and a bunny suit.
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
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