I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
Can I color on your dick again?
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
Just had my very first high conversation with mom
And you survived it! I'd say that earns you a "Blaze It Like a Real Adult" from the Grown-up Girl Scouts
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
Randomize
