i only hope i can top last weeks sext session
When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
He said that if more girls show up hes not going to ask ages... Spoken like a true sex offender
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
There are two guys here arguing over Pearl jam and Nirvana. 1991 wants its argument back.
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
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