her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
Oh. He liked you.
Then you said "Are you asian?, I didn't know there was Asians in Colorado."
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
i may or may not have triedto pee like a boy and then dipped cheese ino the olive oil
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
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