No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
Good luck. While you're suffocating on a dick, I'll be eating pizza rolls. Being a good girl.
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
Randomize
