I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
Gooodnight my beautiful sex angel. Much luvz for joo, etceteraz
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
Randomize
