Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
So guess who had sex in a Ghostbusters sleeping bag.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
Randomize
