the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
tanning, a slurpee, and a cigarette. spa day college edition
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
Randomize
