The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
She is only going home with him in hopes to give him herpes. She has been plotting some master revenge since 7th grade.
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
Think worst case scenario and then dress sluttier
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
well the blowjob for study guide exchange was a success.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
I'm sure I'll run in to him again, there's only so many VA detoxes.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
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