Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
Randomize
