wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
you never un-have a 4some
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
Randomize
