I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
dude i have an english essay and a bio lab due tomorow
so basically your not goin out tonight?
who said that?
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
We bought a pool from walmart at 2am...and to make matters even more white trash we headed to Applebee's for half off appetizers and corona-ritas
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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