I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Randomize
