She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
So how do we make 4/20 better than every other day we are stoned?
on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
Besides asking our teacher if he enjoyed being fisted did I have any other tragic moments last night?
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake đź‘Ś
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
Randomize
