I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
Tackling and headbutting friends, running away and hiding from everyone, attempting to streak across campus, and then waking up with no sign of a hangover... happy 21 to me
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
Randomize
