she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
I feel kinda awkward using the Sesame Street themed Google to search for hot young pussy...
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
Everyone was soo nice and genuine.. Then again it coulda just been the drugs.
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
