and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
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