My recently uploaded pictures to facebook: Me partying on Beale St. with a single girl on each arm. Ex's recently upload pictures: Several pictures of cats. I win.
I just blindly shoved it in. I'm still not sure which hole I got.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
Randomize
