Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
no, I didn't go in the end. Too hungover and hot, plus Star Wars is on so obviously I'm having a naked day.
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
I am the oldest one here and I STILL feel like I need an adult. help.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
Randomize
