oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
If i pass out for a while at graduation, please atleast TRY to wake me?
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
Randomize
