Seeya bye Latvian government! Whammy!
i think my mom watched the whole time
I really want to sleep with her friend. I'm hoping our casual sex relationship will somehow lead to that.
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Randomize
